Fine, he had a CV, a rate that made your head hurt and could start Monday.  The 5 minute telephone interview went well (they said they would come).  The trouble is you aren’t sure if they are any good and your technical skills started and ended on the Z80 processor.  Well, rest easy, you can tell if your new consultant DBA is really any good without the need for complex technical questions (and answers that you don’t understand).

Just check your Oracle DBA against the following list and their worthiness will be obvious.

• Dress Code.  Like every job, Oracle DBA’s have a strict and unwritten dress code – for consultants this will be what you wear to relax in.  What once was smart casual but now is a bit scruffy.  Beige or brown chinos, loafers, a polo shirt (or maybe a checked shirt) and a jacket.  A tie is OK, but if he doesn’t have one it’s a very good sign.  Laces or polished leather are bad.  If he looks like a salesman you’re in trouble.  If he’s smelly and has cord holding his trousers up, it’s just a tramp that wandered in to get warm (but check first they might be very good indeed – ha ha, just kidding they won’t smell).  Scruffy is good.  You aren’t dating them.  They will be happily married to an absolute stunner.
• PC.  If they didn’t bring their own PC, show them the door.  If it’s one of those tiny portables with a half sized screen and keyboard, things aren’t looking good.  DBA laptops will be large, robust and most likely more powerful than your server.  The quicker that they ask for a 10/100 cable the better (don’t give them 10).  The more hardcore consultant will have already fixed your issue in the lobby by hacking your wireless network.
• Tardiness.  A good DBA is never late.  They arrive early, take a piss and sit in reception with 5 minutes to go.  They charge you by the hour (or part thereof) so at 09h00 it’s your money.  A decent consultant will wait an hour before asking for you again.  A newbee will be frantic by 09h15.  Pick them up at 09h30 and you’ll know everything.
• Lunch.  Good consultant DBA’s will never run for president because they can’t afford the pay cut.  They make more a year than anyone else in the building.  They don’t take the bus or stay in cheap hotels,   and so, they don’t make their own sandwiches.  Anyone eating home-made cheese on mighty white, an apple and a Wagon Wheel isn’t any good.
• Privacy.  DBA’s aren’t into sharing.  They don’t come in pairs, don’t like to sit with developers and don’t talk much about their work.  They are blunt and will shout about how ridiculous your code / security / disk layout / information is all day long.  But it’s all Vegas to them.  They don’t talk about how crap it was at their last gig, or the stupidity of Mr X at Company Y.  Examples will be from your crappy systems not your neighbours.  This may seem a bit anti-social, but just like in the security services, people who talk about their work don’t last long in the DBA world.  Silence is golden.
• Certification.  Oracle’s certification programme is a con.  It exists to sell expensive “lowest common denominator” instructor led training.  Decent consultants will always be working and will know the training is crap.  Anyone with a valid certificate for a recent version hasn’t been a consultant very long.  Someone with a certificate (probably) won’t loose your data, but at the rate you’re paying you’ll want a little more than the basic minimum standard.  A good consultant Oracle DBA will not be certified.
• Books.  If you see them reading a DBA book, things are very grim.  A copy of “Oracle Database Administration for Dummies” is bad indeed, but any DBA book is a terrible sign.  Anyone decent will have read them and have working, tested scripts and useful PDFs on their laptop.  The only acceptable items for reading are :  the Internet, a sushi menu, investor documents for your company, and perhaps a very hardcore web programming or design book.
• Trash.  A DBA is logically tidy.  Their files and installs will be tidy.  They take a dim view of cluttered disorganised file systems.  Their physical workspace will look like it’s vacant.  They will shred anything they print or write and will love recycling.  Anyone putting paper in the trash is not a DBA.

Watch for these signs and you can’t go wrong.  Basically, a really good consultant Oracle DBA doesn’t need your job.  They will be belligerent, vaguely anti-social, dress like your daughters boyfriends, and will make you faintly uncomfortable at all times.  If they were an employee you’d be talking to HR about a swift adios and you want to moan at their agent because they act like they own the place and think you’re an idiot.  It’s the glad handing, well dressed, happy ones that are suspicious.  They might not be bad, but they aren’t normal.

Two nuns are in the bath.  One says “Where’s the soap” and the other replies “Yes, it does, doesn’t it”.

English smut at it’s best.  Nuns, naked, bathing together, with an oblique reference to something sexual, although on the face of it this joke is not at all rude.  It’s just a play on the word “wear”, but as people search for the joke they find the lewdness first and that helps them get it.  But of course washing your legs (or whatever) also wears out the soap.

This double meaning  is a staple of the Marx brothers humour, although often without the sexual overtones, thus

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog it is too dark to read”.

which works pretty well on the page, but much better as a one liner.

Of course the written word also allows the odd joke that doesn’t work when spoken out loud, for example, the funny techy joke you often see in peoples signatures on forums:

There are only 10 types of people in the world – those that understand binary and those that do not.

Not perhaps, side-splitting stuff, but funny on the page.