Five Things Not to do with an Onion

Fecundvs — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:21:29 +0000

Onions are a great vegetable. They are really versatile and tasty to eat, but they must be used with caution because the improper use of an onion can lead to all sorts of woe. Here’s a list of five of the worst things you could use them for.

Dog Food. Dogs not not like raw onion and would rather stave. They will eat them boiled and fried but in this case there is an after-effect that isn’t worth the saving over regular dog chow from the shops.
Cheap earrings for your chav ex-girlfriends birthday present. She won’t see the funny side and she will pour brake fluid over the boot of your car.
Person Repellents. Some say hanging onions on your front door will repel people you don’t want to see. This is a myth that probably sprung up with the vampire and garlic thing. No one, it seems, is frightened off by a string of onions on the door. Certainly not Jehovah’s Witnesses, postmen, the tax collector or my neighbours. They do cause people to ask the same fecking question though.
Batteries. Everyone knows that MacGyver can use two onions, a tea spoon and the foil from an kit-kat to power anything from a cell phone to a thermonuclear device. But let me tell you: Onions are fecking useless as batteries in everyday situations. Unless you are professor of Chemistry (at a red brick university) never come to the rescue of an attractive colleague who says her cellphone battery as died, saying “Don’t worry I’ve got half a pound of onions, we’ll soon have you fixed up”. You’ll look as much like a burk as it’s possible to look.
Currency. Unless you live in the jungle and your neighbours are happy about a barter economy then you’re going to be disappointed by the purchasing power of onions. (if you do live in the jungle and trade onions with the pygmies then may I ask how you keep mould out of your laptop screen? This was such a problem I moved back to the city, but I digress). In the western world a pound of onions is worth at most 50 pence. Thus paying for things in onions is a true pain in the arse so people just won’t take the damn things. Here are some examples of the number of average sized onions required to purchase stuff. As you can see it soon gets ridiculous:-

A pint of beer – 19 onions.
A hamster – 58 onions.
A video game – 206 onions.
Decent earrings for your chav ex-girlfriends birthday – 456 onions.

Not A Sheep » chav

Five Things Not to do with an Onion