Now for the other 49.  Some of these look truly impossible at this point and one or two give me the shivers.  Which sadist suck them on the list?  Who?  Me?  Are you certain, because they don’t look like things I would write on my _own_ list of things to do.  Oh.  Bugger – so I’ve only myself to blame.

Note to self: be a bit vaguer on the next 1001 list and remember that you’ll change your views about stuff during the 1001 days so don’t stick a bunch of stupid tasks on there just because you saw them on the internet.

I think I will try to take a few of the easy ones that I’ve put off and also try to make a inroads into the one’s where it’s going to take months to complete.  Like Number 1.  Write a Novel.  Feck! I’m an idiot.  At least it didn’t say a good novel.  So it might be worse.  And it’s 1.  The first thing that I wrote on the list.  So I sat down a couple of years ago and said to myself – yeah, lets have at that 1001 thing.  Then for the first thing I wanted to do, I wrote down: Write a novel.   Why on Gods green earth did I choose that at all, let alone as the first thing I wanted to do.  Barmey.  Fine.  How hard can it be to write a short novel that doesn’t have to be good.  How many words do you need for a short story to become a novel?  I dunno.  More words than I’ve written in total since I started on the list I expect.  Argh. Well, at least it makes doing 50 push-ups in a row look easy, so that’s something.  Maybe I can ask the nun I’m supposed to talk to about it.  Did I really write this list.  Yes, yes I did.  Oh dear.

• I cleaned out my desk.
• I brought a new motorbike.
• I had lunch with an artist at his studio.

These things aren’t related really except that I thought they would be really different than how they turned out and I guess that they showed me that I hang onto things for too long – stay with me here – this isn’t another metaphysical rant about being mental about stuff.  No this is more about loyalty to the object (Note to self:  This is a good writing prompt).

My desk was full of stuff.  Much of which is now in the “charity box” or the dustbin.  I’m getting a new desk at the end of the month – a sit stand desk from Conset.  This doesn’t have draws, hence the need to thin stuff in my desk because it will have to be stored elsewhere.  I’m really looking forward to getting this desk since I expect it to be the catalyst to working more on design and code – my cramped position has been really taking it’s toll of late and so I’ve been avoiding work.

My new bike – a used 2005 R1200GS in mental yellow.  Wow.  I wasn’t riding much because my old R1100R was past it’s best, difficult to start, unpredictable and not really happy going under 50mph.  I was therefore down to a few days a month on it.  The riding position was also cramped so again with the back pain.   The new bike is big, starts first time, is smoother than glass and doesn’t care what speed it goes.  I, so far, am riding in every day.  I should have done this ages ago.  I was luck enough to get a good deal and it hasn’t put up my insurance as much as I’d feared.  I also get more miles to the gallon and as a bonus the car park fees my Joe job employer charges are now set to double each year for several years, but motorcycle parking is not only free, it happens to be right near my office.  Yay!  Do I feel righteous now?  Yes I do.

Finally lunch with my artist friend.  That was great.  He’s a really nice guy, interested is load of diverse things and also interesting to listen too.  His studio wasn’t full of half finished paintings and cheesy drapes but a spacious and intelligent workspace suited to the work he does.  In that respect it is just like mine.   Very inspiring.   Somehow he empties my head in the same way I’d emptied my desk.   I already have several idea’s going on for the inaugural project for my new workspace.

I don’t exist to tick stuff off but to do things.  Things that I enjoy – not in the hedonistic kind of way but more of an Ayn Rand way – albeit tempered with a degree of dogmatic Calvinist fatalism. Anyway I knew that the list isn’t the journey but the destination and that travelling a direct line through it to 101 ticks isn’t what life’s about for me.  But, now that it existed I owe it to myself to enjoy the completion of tasks and that I must work hard to finish them well.  Ticks will become the currency of happiness and the markers of a job well done.  I would become a slave to it.  Then I would rebel and not do them because they were there on this list.

Anywho.  I am now constantly torn.  Do them or not do them?  Delete the list or tick another thing off?  I want to do these things, but I want to do them because I want to, not because they are on some stupid list.  But I also know that I want to get 101 ticks and hold my head up high as a self motivated, task completing, job done kinda guy.  A starter finisher.  So the list surives another day.  I’ll go comment on something instead of mooching here (number 88) and that will make me worry less (number 18) and be happier (number 101).  Cool.

Fine, he had a CV, a rate that made your head hurt and could start Monday.  The 5 minute telephone interview went well (they said they would come).  The trouble is you aren’t sure if they are any good and your technical skills started and ended on the Z80 processor.  Well, rest easy, you can tell if your new consultant DBA is really any good without the need for complex technical questions (and answers that you don’t understand).

Just check your Oracle DBA against the following list and their worthiness will be obvious.

• Dress Code.  Like every job, Oracle DBA’s have a strict and unwritten dress code – for consultants this will be what you wear to relax in.  What once was smart casual but now is a bit scruffy.  Beige or brown chinos, loafers, a polo shirt (or maybe a checked shirt) and a jacket.  A tie is OK, but if he doesn’t have one it’s a very good sign.  Laces or polished leather are bad.  If he looks like a salesman you’re in trouble.  If he’s smelly and has cord holding his trousers up, it’s just a tramp that wandered in to get warm (but check first they might be very good indeed – ha ha, just kidding they won’t smell).  Scruffy is good.  You aren’t dating them.  They will be happily married to an absolute stunner.
• PC.  If they didn’t bring their own PC, show them the door.  If it’s one of those tiny portables with a half sized screen and keyboard, things aren’t looking good.  DBA laptops will be large, robust and most likely more powerful than your server.  The quicker that they ask for a 10/100 cable the better (don’t give them 10).  The more hardcore consultant will have already fixed your issue in the lobby by hacking your wireless network.
• Tardiness.  A good DBA is never late.  They arrive early, take a piss and sit in reception with 5 minutes to go.  They charge you by the hour (or part thereof) so at 09h00 it’s your money.  A decent consultant will wait an hour before asking for you again.  A newbee will be frantic by 09h15.  Pick them up at 09h30 and you’ll know everything.
• Lunch.  Good consultant DBA’s will never run for president because they can’t afford the pay cut.  They make more a year than anyone else in the building.  They don’t take the bus or stay in cheap hotels,   and so, they don’t make their own sandwiches.  Anyone eating home-made cheese on mighty white, an apple and a Wagon Wheel isn’t any good.
• Privacy.  DBA’s aren’t into sharing.  They don’t come in pairs, don’t like to sit with developers and don’t talk much about their work.  They are blunt and will shout about how ridiculous your code / security / disk layout / information is all day long.  But it’s all Vegas to them.  They don’t talk about how crap it was at their last gig, or the stupidity of Mr X at Company Y.  Examples will be from your crappy systems not your neighbours.  This may seem a bit anti-social, but just like in the security services, people who talk about their work don’t last long in the DBA world.  Silence is golden.
• Certification.  Oracle’s certification programme is a con.  It exists to sell expensive “lowest common denominator” instructor led training.  Decent consultants will always be working and will know the training is crap.  Anyone with a valid certificate for a recent version hasn’t been a consultant very long.  Someone with a certificate (probably) won’t loose your data, but at the rate you’re paying you’ll want a little more than the basic minimum standard.  A good consultant Oracle DBA will not be certified.
• Books.  If you see them reading a DBA book, things are very grim.  A copy of “Oracle Database Administration for Dummies” is bad indeed, but any DBA book is a terrible sign.  Anyone decent will have read them and have working, tested scripts and useful PDFs on their laptop.  The only acceptable items for reading are :  the Internet, a sushi menu, investor documents for your company, and perhaps a very hardcore web programming or design book.
• Trash.  A DBA is logically tidy.  Their files and installs will be tidy.  They take a dim view of cluttered disorganised file systems.  Their physical workspace will look like it’s vacant.  They will shred anything they print or write and will love recycling.  Anyone putting paper in the trash is not a DBA.

Watch for these signs and you can’t go wrong.  Basically, a really good consultant Oracle DBA doesn’t need your job.  They will be belligerent, vaguely anti-social, dress like your daughters boyfriends, and will make you faintly uncomfortable at all times.  If they were an employee you’d be talking to HR about a swift adios and you want to moan at their agent because they act like they own the place and think you’re an idiot.  It’s the glad handing, well dressed, happy ones that are suspicious.  They might not be bad, but they aren’t normal.

A panda bear walks into a pub and asks the landlord for some bamboo. The landlord, although a little stunned, cuts some stalks from a bamboo plant he happens to have in this conservatory and gives them to the bear – which the bear eats. After which he pulls a gun and kills a few customers, then he just walks out. The landlord jumps over the bar and rushes out after the bear. He quickly catches up to him. “Why the hell did you do that?” he shouts, to which the bear answers calmly “It’s just in my nature.” and hands the landlord a dictionary before walking into the woods. The landlord flips to the entry for panda which says “Large bear that eats bamboo, shoots and leaves.”

OK, this is more of a groaner than a side splitter, but it does help to show the importance of context and grammar.

Here is another golden oldie; but still a funny one liner

The other day I went to the local bookshop to buy a dictionary. The assistant showed me a really cheap one. I couldn’t find the words to thank him.

Now for a few that Groucho himself might be proud of

Mary had a little lamb… and then she had some dessert.

Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!

Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Groucho was a master of wordplay, and few people have matched the hilarity of the Marx brother’s movies, still watchable and funny after almost 80 years.  After that long most people would be corpsing.

Bad Language
No swearing. Think The Times circa 1900. “Shit” is not OK but “Crap” is. I’ve never understood why, but that the way it is.   If Terry Wogan wouldn’t say in live on Radio 2 then you probably shouldn’t write it in your articles. Using the C-word will get you fired.

Sex Talk
No overt sexual language. Mild innuendo is OK. Think the BBC circa 1970 before 9 PM. Tits can be either blue or great but not wobbly. Bums live cardboard boxes. Using the F-word will get you fired.

Discrimination
No discriminatory language.   I personally, am not a great fan of political correctness so you have some leeway here, but be inclusive and avoid the pejorative. Using the N-word will get you fired.

Illegal Activities
No inciting people to riot or not pay their taxes. I don’t want PC Plod and chums at my door at 05h00 any more than you do, and most likely less because I’m not a morning person.

Copyrighted Material
Do not use material in your article that isn’t either public domain or where the copyright is owned by you and you are happy that this site can use it, for free, forever.

Anything that you post in an article you retain the copyright for, but you also grant a perpetual license for us to publish it in any way we like.  You should understand this fully if you intend to use this material in the future in any way yourself (i.e. in a book).

Word Count
The guide is 500-1000 words an article.    But it is a guide.   100 words isn’t enough and 2500 words is definitely too much.

Advertising
Do not use your articles to promote products or businesses whether or not they belong to you.   Yes, mention your book if it is relevant or a good source of some building materials or a good plumber but no selling.

Off-site Links
These are not banned, but please use them sparingly, linking directly to the page in a site that is relevant rather than to the top level of a site.   These will not be followed by Search Engines and will not increase the sites Page Rank or placement.

Bashing
Please no person bashing.   If someone is giving you a hard time, tell me and I’ll deal with it – do not bash them directly in your article.  If your roof fell in due to cowboy builders, tell us about it and maybe mention the name but no libellous comments please.

Anonymity
I highly recommend that you are careful.   If you want to put your real name in your profile or on your articles then please do, but I highly recommend that you never put your address, telephone, primary email or any other private information in your articles or profile.   It’s a wacky world and you don’t want it dancing on your doorstep.

Religion and Politics
These are an important part of some people’s lives.  They are also sure fire, flame war starters. Discuss with caution and sensitivity.  Do not belittle others or their views and do not attempt to indoctrinate anyone to your chosen path (especially me – cults and “the party” are so twentieth century).

Feedback and the Right to Reply
You will get a mixture of good and bad comments (and worse – no comments at all).  Welcome it all.  If it is inappropriate I will remove it.  Sometimes people will feel that they have a “right” to reply because your article is about them or something that they feel close to.  Don’t get into a war of words and don’t expect comments to be removed just because they don’t like what you’ve written.

Two nuns are in the bath.  One says “Where’s the soap” and the other replies “Yes, it does, doesn’t it”.

English smut at it’s best.  Nuns, naked, bathing together, with an oblique reference to something sexual, although on the face of it this joke is not at all rude.  It’s just a play on the word “wear”, but as people search for the joke they find the lewdness first and that helps them get it.  But of course washing your legs (or whatever) also wears out the soap.

This double meaning  is a staple of the Marx brothers humour, although often without the sexual overtones, thus

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog it is too dark to read”.

which works pretty well on the page, but much better as a one liner.

Of course the written word also allows the odd joke that doesn’t work when spoken out loud, for example, the funny techy joke you often see in peoples signatures on forums:

There are only 10 types of people in the world – those that understand binary and those that do not.

Not perhaps, side-splitting stuff, but funny on the page.

I cheated a bit, I nicked a few things from her list and I also included a few things that I have actually done before but wanted to do again (but for some reason I never get around too).  Mostly though my list is new and (for me anyway) difficult.  I will struggle to complete these things in the next 1001 days, but that’s the point.  Well for me anyway it is.  I could have written an easy list or a list of things I’d already done and crossed most of them off to impress, er well not myself anyway.

It seems like the 101 in 1001 thing is some craze that, up until now, I’d missed.  There are a whole bunch of sites devoted to it even.  So I’m a bit late, but I’ve done my List 101 page now and it’s up on this site, in all its glory.  Hopefully I will do most of these things, and I’m going to go start on one of them now.